Screaming Inside Our Hearts

We received a lot of Christmas cards this year. A few years ago, it seemed the number of cards we were receiving was dwindling each year. Almost as if people were giving up on the practice—perhaps because it was easier to stay in touch throughout the year via social media and yearly cards weren’t so meaningful anymore, perhaps lives had become too busy, perhaps online greetings had replaced the need to fill out physical addresses and write personal notes. But this past year, and the year before that, we’ve received more Christmas cards in the mail again. Maybe it’s a COVID thing—there’s something powerful about reaching out to others in a physical way. A tangible way of saying “I care about you” in a world where we’re constantly reminded of how fleeting life is. 

My favorite cards are the ones that give bullet-point updates on significant moments of the past year—more than a quickly written “Merry Christmas” but not a three-page tome that takes all of the holidays to read. Bonus points if those bullet-points are unusual insights into the other person’s life. And so one of my favorite lines from all the Christmas cards we received was this: “Quote of the year: Please scream inside your heart!”

This came from a family with kids not-too-far-off from the age of our own, so it was instantly relatable. I found myself envisioning the events that led up to this quote being uttered. Picturing the frustration upon frustration that led to scream upon scream, until one person finally had had enough and blurted out, “Please scream inside your heart!”

I’ve found myself pondering this quite a bit, actually. The past two years (has it been almost two years already?!) of pandemic has made the screaming much more frequent. Many days we’re just barely holding things together and it doesn’t take much to push us over the edge. A scream can be incredibly cathartic, and sometimes that’s all we need to reset everything and tackle things anew. After all, it’s important to be able to express our feelings. To release some of our frustration. To give voice to our anger and disappointment and tiredness. That’s why the lament psalms in the Bible are so powerful and important.

But there have been a lot of screams. A lot. Of screams. To the point where at least one member of a family we know can’t take it anymore. And I wonder—is there a “right-level” amount of screaming? At what point do we cross the line? Or should we be allowed to scream all we need to just to make it through the day? Are there special pandemic rules for screaming? Or extra allowances for screaming that we’re given for such a time as this? Is “please scream inside your heart” a sort of middle ground? A sort of “yes, we all need to scream these days, and it’s good to scream, and you should scream…but I can only handle so much of other people screaming, so please do it discreetly”? There is so much I don’t know when it comes to screaming.

But there is one thing I do know. Somehow in the midst of all this, I keep coming back to Hebrews 4:14-16. “Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” There’s a lot in these few verses, but of central importance is that Jesus is able to empathize with our weaknesses. He knows what it’s like to be human. He knows how much we want to scream sometimes. And because he is our high priest—because he brings our needs before God the Father and in turn conveys God’s love back to us—we can come to God with confidence. We can bring all that is frustrating us, all that is troubling us, all that is causing us to want to scream before God the Father. And it is okay. And we don’t need to keep it in our hearts. And when we bring it to God, we will be met with mercy and we will find grace. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll make it through our time of need.